9. Without Knowing It Was So Easy

Myung Soon Kim
Hanbat Central Church

I grew up in a bad environment as there was constant discord between my father and mother, even though they were once church-goers. I was the eldest sister among 5 children, so I had begun to help with our housework early when I finished the third year of elementary school. Because of all this, I was ashamed to show myself to people due to an inferiority complex based on my poor education and appearance.
When I was 16, I attended a revival assembly held in a church at Kayang-dong. Most of the people in that place spoke in tongues and saw visions, but nothing had happened to me. The preacher who led the assembly said to submit one's desire each toward God, so I hoped to speak in tongues, and prayed eagerly to God for it. After a while, my tongue tripped and I found myself speaking in tongues.  How delighted I was!
I felt the desire to pray from that day after, so I went to church. Once when I prayed I heard a voice saying, "My daughter, you are truly beautiful and lovable!" The voice seemed to envigorate me with fullness of life especially since I had been in depression for a long time. I prayed and pledged myself before God to consecrate my life to Him who loved me like this.
>From that time on, I attended morning prayer service without missing for 8 years. As I had heard the Buddhists purify themselves whenever they offer a mass, so I also performed my ablutions every morning before I went to church and prayed in tongues to God.
I came to see a vision and even prophesied through tongues. I thought that it was a gift given by God who blessed me. But as time passed, I felt something was wrong. Whenever I prayed, I began to thank for God's grace, but then always ended with confession of my sins. I thought, "I'm not an able man yet who can work for God, so God put me through this ordeal to strengthen me." I was sure that I was forgiven of my sin whenever I confessed my sin by repenting before God. But there was one sin which was never resolved. I confessed it and repented of it, but it was never cleansed however I tried.
I was always burdened by the sin even if it seemed to be resolved temporarily, but it occurred again in my mind causing great depression.
I spent the whole year of '92 without doing anything at church, thinking, "What would God do, if I did nothing." I was wandering here and there to search for a church where I might find the graceful words of God. But my mind was always blank. Not knowing exactly what I wanted, my mind was confused and cares weighed heavily upon me.
One day during that time, Sister Eun Young Lee who was a leader of our weekly home Bible study group, told some strange words to our group members. I guessed, 'She became a heretic.' But I kept it to myself lest anyone should know and possibly cause some trouble among our group members.
But as November of the year began, Sister Lee intended to deliver the gospel even setting aside the group study. She said, "I can't keep silent because the Holy Spirit wants to tell you what is in my heart." I listened carefully to what she said without any question, even though I thought she fell into something wrong.
She told about 'The Forgiveness of Sins and Being Born-Again' which I had never heard of until that time. She went on to say, "Speaking in tongues or to prophesy are not certain evidences of salvation. I'm now born-again certainly." I felt bad because of her saying, but it haunted my memory after I returned to my home.
One evening, my husband called to inform me that he'd be late in coming home. That night, I felt I wanted to hear how to be clean from sin and how I might compare it with my way to cleanse sin. Because for so long I had been in distress over my one sin which I never resolved.
My first priority was to solve the sin, so I called Sister Lee. She arrived at my house in a moment. I said, "Let us save some time, please tell me directly the way to cleanse my sin." I started to talk about the sin, leaving other issues behind.
But without asking how I committed such a sin, Sister Lee said, "You are not saved yet." Upon hearing that word, I became depressed. And I doubted myself, thinking, 'It is strange that she should think so. I'm sure I've been saved. I certainly saw a ray from heaven and heard God's voice while I prayed ... What's wrong with me?'
Sister Lee talked about several things relating to eternal redemption, but I hardly understood. While I listened the more I began to understand about the offering of a sacrifice during the Old Testament period. Then the scene of the baptism of Jesus by John had just came into my mind. I realized that my sin had been transferred to Jesus at that time. All my doubt was dispelled and there was no need to hear anymore.
"If so, my sin was also passed over to Jesus when John the Baptist baptized Jesus, right?" Then, Sister Lee was delighted with joy. I didn't know this clearly till then. In my ignorance and much grief, I tried to keep a faithful life for myself. I found that there was much wrong in my 17 years of church life, and I was very thankful to God. I came to realize that it was God's plan for me to find the secret of 'Forgiveness of Sins' through the trial of repentance of my sins for so long time.
After receiving forgiveness of sins, I was faced with some difficult decisions: What should I do to put aside the false spiritual practices and habits of the old days? Surely I'm being led in the right path? Fortunately, I had a chance to hear the sermon tapes of a pastor. While listening to the tapes, the speaker said, "Don't try to work with your flesh for God, but rather leave everything to the Holy Spirit, He does the work, and you just rest!", I decided to follow the Holy Spirit's guidance.
I found myself now as one who reads the Bible, in spite of myself, who once found it so hard and boring to read. As I read the Bible I pray for things in a natural way and experience God's answer for my prayer through the word of God.
Once, I couldn't solve the sin of hating my mother and elder brother-in-law. But after receiving forgiveness from God, He gave me the heart to love them, and also a desire toward God that they would receive salvation.
In these days, I live by following God's leading, instead of doing something by myself for God. I now deliver the gospel when God allows me, and live a thankful life day by day. Glory to Jesus Christ who made me realize the precious secret of the gospel.

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