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26. Is This A Dream?
Jung Ah Lee From childhood, I was known to people as a nice girl, but my mind was filled with fear and hatred toward my father, who didn't take care of his family and used to return home drunk every night. When I was an elementary school student, my father fell into debt, failing in his business, and this made me hate him even more for his incompetency and irresponsibility. As a middle school student, I concentrated exclusively on my studies in order to keep up with others. I envied and hated my friends whose school records were similar to mine, and as a result my life became desolate and gloomy as time passed. After I entered the university, I couldn't adjust to the campus atmosphere which was free and open. With an inferiority complex as compared with my class-mates who were enthusiastic in everything, I sighed at myself for my inability to get along with them, and I just stayed at home spending my days watching TV or eating. During the summer vacation in my freshman year, I happened to study the Bible with a UBF (University Bible Fellowship) member. Through chapter one of the book of Genesis, I began to recognize that God was alive, but the other words of God were nothing but knowledge for me. Because the pride of 'myself' who had lived earnestly in my own way was deeply rooted in me like a rock, and the worry about my family's difficulty as well as my carnal greed was growing in me like thorns. These things prevented the words of God from taking root in my mind. As students declined to attend class for school curriculum, I couldn't concentrate on my studies. In the first semester of my junior year, I failed to earn credit for one of the teaching profession courses. Because of this, I began to have doubts about myself. It was deplorable to me that I was worn out because of my having a part-time job during my vacation, but it was inevitable for me to do it in light of my family's difficult situation. My mind was depressed by every matter. As I saw myself as one who managed day after day without knowing where I was going, bearing a heavy load, I really wanted to open my mind toward Jesus, remembering God's words that gave us eternal water. While I read chapter 53:5, 6 of the book of Isaiah during the Bible study session, I shed tears thinking of Jesus Who bore the heavy cross and died on it. The tears didn't mean that I thanked Him nor did I repent, instead tears just came from my sympathy and compassion toward Him, for He bore heavy loads just like me. At that moment, I thought that I was born again. For a few weeks after that, my mind was joyful and peaceful, and it seemed that God was walking with me. But these were based solely on my feelings alone and soon these feelings it began to hit bottom. To write my testimony, I had to think hard, and I never experienced God's words working with power in my life. Even though I heard many of God's words, and I wrote my impressions of them, my inner mind didn't change, and the words of God were merely theoretical stories for me. In prayer hours, I always cried in sympathy for myself and condemned myself. Even though I felt heavy, I had had no thoughts to beg God for forgiveness in prayer. When I was a senior, I began to lead a student. It was not strange that I couldn't take care of her soul, because I wasn't born again, but I was afraid of God's wrath against me because I lost her soul because of my carnal life. Religious life became difficult for me. I wanted to escape from everything, because the cross I bore was heavier now than it was before I became a church-goer. At last, I departed UBF two years after I graduated from the university. Being in the pursuit of an ease and convenient life, I started to live a carnal life without any discretion. The life of teaching was a compelling work for me, but as I was not being recognized among teachers, I was losing my reason for being. I couldn't open my mind toward other teachers, as I saw they had their own world with their own selfishness. I used to have a quiet time every morning out of fear of the consequences of Lord if I omitted having the time. As I diminished into a Sunday-Believer (Sunday church-goer), I was often seized with the fear that God would turn His face from me. When I imagined that I would be abandoned by God, I could never think of the life without Him, nor was I interested in such a life. My life was a forced one, dragging by without God. I saw myself as a miserable slave of the flesh. It seemed as though my soul were deeply lamenting within me. This year I moved to an other school. I prayed to God, 'Please send me to a place where there are many Christians.' I registered as a church member in a church in order to have a sincere church-life. There I happened to meet a pastor of the church. Without asking about my religious life, he asked me, "Do you want to meet a man who might be compatible with you?" As a matter of fact, he had already found out that I was a teacher from my personal report card. At that moment, I couldn't understand him, who seemed to be a match-maker. I thought something was wrong. In the middle of May, I happened to hear the testimony of a teacher, who once was my partner on day duty. I felt that the words of God were alive and working while I listened to her testimony. While I read the book "The Secret Of Forgiveness And Being Born Again", there was the phrase, 'Let's meet in the middle at the South gate when we go to heaven!' I pondered, "What makes him so clear and specific about his belief of salvation?" Meanwhile, I attended the conference which was held in Masan. Like the sick man, who was in infirmity for thirty-eight years, grumbling with other people and lamenting himself, I reasoned within myself that God would help me. As I reasoned, I vaguely understood that my concept of salvation was not related to God, and instead, my biblical knowledge had created a barrier between God and me. Admitting that I didn't know anything, I was willing to hear the words of God. While I heard the words, I realized that salvation was just a gift that God wanted to give us out of His sympathy for nothing, and that it didn't have anything to do with my will, or my effort. I sincerely wanted to be saved because I was such a person that couldn't live without this gift. On the 2nd day of the conference, I realized through the words that I heard that I was an evil sinner who didn't even have one percent of goodness in me. On the last day, I was jubilant with the expectations that I might be saved. While I heard the words from a pastor, I realized that all sin was transferred onto Jesus when John the Baptist laid his hands on Jesus, and I believed that Jesus bore all my sins too. Jesus became a little lamb to take away my sin. He endured severe sufferings and pain on the cross, and received the horrible punishment of death on the cross. The Lord died bearing all of our sins; past, present, and future. Therefore, I have no sin any more, and I became righteous before God. God promised that He should never remember my sin or my iniquities. I surely believed this fact, but at that moment, I was not delighted, instead I felt heavy inside. But on my way back home by bus, the fact that all my sins were gone greatly pleased me. I wondered, 'Is this a dream?', and the world was different from what I saw before. It seemed like God was giving a feast in His heavenly kingdom to celebrate me with joy. When I returned home, I confirmed again that all my sins were forgiven through the words in Hebrews 10:17, "Their sins and iniquities will I remember no more." After that, God provided me with the food of His words while I attended church, and I believed that God surely listened to my prayers. The words of God have now become God's voice toward me, which once were so vague and unrelated to me. The once unmeaningful hymns have now changed to my pleasure and thanks to God. In the past, I expected some goodness from people and I was disappointed in them, but now I view them as souls who are spiritually dead. I am now freed from trying to present myself in my own false goodness. I can now stand candidly and boldly before people. Above all, I am now finished with the religious life that once put heavy loads on me. Experiencing the Holy Spirit's guidance and God's help in my life, I can understand the words that "the Lord's loads are easy and light". I give all the glory and thanks to God, Who enabled me (who lost the strength to live and had no hope) to meet Jesus. I really hope that I might be provided with the life that bears the fruits of the Holy Spirit through abiding in Jesus, Who is the true vine, and that I might be as the branch abiding in the vine bearing the fruit of itself. |