Bong Hee Lee
Kyungsan First Church

In March of 1987, my husband died of lung cancer after suffering for a long time. I was completely lost as what to do with myself because I was left in this world all by myself with nothing but great fear and sorrow. I couldn't take care of my two children under such circumstances, and only the memory of my lost husband who had been struggling desperately not to die, still haunted me.
The two children who were left behind doubled my sorrow and I was going out of mind. When night came, I would hear the voice of my husband calling our daughter, "Heejin!..." at the gate of the house, but in reality, there was nobody there. To escape my suffering, I used alcohol and sleeping pills to fall asleep at nights.
One day while looking at my two children, I was thinking, "I have to live for my children. Let me try to live again and if we don't succeed well, then we'll all die together." With this new attitude, I went and got a job in sales with an insurance company. I used to drink alcohol and be friends with anybody to ease my broken heart whenever I was sad and lonely. Loneliness and sorrow sprang continuously from the bottom of my heart all the time. To forget my loneliness, I would try to laugh outwardly and pretend to be cheerful.
To raise my sales performance, I worked days and nights. Also to get new accounts, I became talkative although I was never in the mood. All this gradually made me an aggressive woman. As time passed, I was promoted, receiving much recognition from the company. Naturally I was full of self-confidence and pride that I overcame my hardship and became successful.
Eventually I formed several loan clubs to meet the goal for an insurance deposit. This entailed that I went to drinking houses with the club members to improve my working relationship with them.
Slowly I was getting tougher with these bitter experiences, and my mind was seriously affected. Sometimes I've thought, "Life is not supposed to be like this!" But I didn't know what true happiness was. Customers and income were increasing, but they didn't bring me the happiness I longed for. I was always anxious, "What would happen to my two children if I died, or am I going to die soon, what if I have cancer." Anxieties like these made me lose my temper and I was never happy.
In the meantime, I began to attend the Catholic church again, where my husband and I had attended a year before his death, because I thought a Catholic priest was holier than a pastor. However, his sermons made no impression on me at that time. His sermon was mainly on political affairs, rather than 'how to be saved'.
I also had a 'confession time' with the priest every week to receive forgiveness for my sins. After some time, I stopped going to the Catholic church for I doubted how a priest could forgive my sins because he was only a man, not God.
Always my mind was filled with worries such as " How can I raise my kids better than the kids with fathers? What can I do so that they would not be treated with disrespect from others because they have no father."
While, I was very proud of myself because I was fairly faithful compared to other women who were in the same condition that were not faithful. I thought that I was a good, honest, and righteous woman and felt that I was better than them.
Then, one day, I was given a book titled "The Secret Of Forgiveness And Being Born Again" from a friend who I had known for 10 years. I read it. After that, I attended the evangelical assembly held in Kyungsan First Church through urging of my friend, but I remained indifferent to the preaching, because I was very close-minded against the church at that time.
Even when a preacher offered to counsel me, I didn't want to listen to any of his words, take any books that were offered, and I was busy trying to run away. I thought that this was a kind of brainwashing and I must be careful not to get caught in it.
Then Missionary Park (Chan Soo Park) said to me, "It is God's gift that Jesus Christ died on the cross to die to wash away your sins. Since your hands are full, which hand will you offer to receive His gift?"
At that very moment, I realized who I was, and I saw that my hands were filled with worldly goods like money, dignity, self-pride, etc. I felt as though the wall I was leaning against was crumbling down. Missionary Park's statement that 'Your hands are too full' did not leave me throughout the week.
Finally, I decided to go to Kyungsan First Church and attended the Sunday Service. On that day, Missionary Park spoke about the bronze serpent in Numbers 21, which strongly impressed me.
I found myself shivering all over from the fear, sufferings and temptations found within the world I lived. I had been struggling to free myself from the bonds of the world without looking towards Jesus Christ, who is the bronze serpent.
After that, I heard a story told by Pastor Kang (Dae Seok Kang) at Soosung Central Church in Daegu about a stupid pheasant. "A pheasant who was being chased by a hunter dug its head into the ground and hid its head from view, but not its body." From the story, I found God Who knew all about me and saw me who was trying to hide my sins.
Tears were rolling down my face, and when the pastor softly said, "Raise your hands if you want to wash away your sins!", I realized my arm was raised up.
I thank Jesus Christ who died on the cross to wash away all my sins.
After that, I found peaceful sleep through God, and I don't need any alcohol or sleeping pills any more. Also, I don't worry about how I should live. I leave everything in the hands of God, including my two children.

Glory to God in the Highest!

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