19. I Have No Reason To Wander Anymore

Young Hee Hwang
Ansan First Baptist Church

I grew up not receiving very much of my family's love, so I always felt lonely. Fortunately I met a very caring husband. After we married, we had no house to live in, so we had to move here and there often. Then we lived in my elder sister-in-law's house. At that time, we had a daughter who was eight-months-old. Unfortunately the baby was born with a congenital heart disease. We visited many hospitals for my baby's frequent illness, but we couldn't meet a doctor who made an accurate diagnosis. As a result, we found the disease too late. Confronting this reality which I've never expected, I was in the depths of despair. During the time, my elder sister-in-law and her husband were serving for a church in Boochun as area captains. My husband and I began to attend the church where they belonged to without any opposition for the reason of living with them in the same house. We realized that we couldn't do anything for our baby, so we looked for God earnestly. Although we started church life owing to our baby, our begging toward God was ineffective. We were booked for a close examination, when suddenly our baby had to be hospitalized, so we began the close examination in a hurry. We knew well what our baby needed most was a surgical operation, but we couldn't help but continue to depend on our family, because we had no money. But nobody readily volunteered to help us. Instead, I heard that they even said it would be better to give up the baby. I was hurt in my heart and disappointed at them. We delayed the operation schedule six times in order to receive cardiac foundation's support while my baby's condition was getting worse. Finally, we had to receive the operation in the worst condition. The doctor said the operation went well, so I and my husband felt at ease. We went to a church in front of the hospital, and we prayed to God with a thankful mind. The baby recovered fast, too. But after fifteen days from the hospital, our baby died in my bosom. Living ten months after birth, its weight and height grew only up to a hundred day's birth. The baby departed us in pain with short breath, and it barely called "Mom". With objection of elders, we couldn't go to the tomb, and we went to a house of prayer directly. Weeping ourselves out, we spent three days there. On the way from the prayer-house, we consoled ourselves, thinking the baby was an angel who led us to church, even though the baby didn't live with us as we expected. Hoping to meet the baby in the heavenly kingdom, we began to attend church earnestly. But I felt void in my mind, and it was intolerable to live in the room where my baby was in. Many people's consolation was unbearable, too. It was getting more difficult to think of the future. We moved to Kwangwon-do as if running away from my house. Before unpacking our packages, we followed people who came to pray for us to a church, and we made effort to have an earnest religious life. At that time, I was ill after taking care of our baby for a long time. I couldn't walk well due to sciatic neuralgia, so I stayed in my room. One day, a deacon visited me and advised that praying at dawn would be good to receive God's blessing of health. But I couldn't believe it because I had no belief in God. Upon receiving this offer, I once worked as a Sunday School teacher, bound by an obedience. But my mind did not stay in church, and I was always ashamed of myself before the children. But I kept on with the religious life in vague hopes like others, questioning, "Is this what God wants from us?" Naturally I couldn't help but doubt about such a life. Meanwhile, I became pregnant with the second child. I felt uneasy living at a place where an obstetrician was not present, so we left there after seven months and moved to Ansan. We gained a house by the help of a deacon, and attended the church where the deacon belonged. We prayed to God for forty days for my unborn baby's safety. I'm not sure whether God heard my prayer, but anyway, the baby was born healthy and grew up fast. But I believe fatalism in my heart, thinking, "This baby could have been born like this without any prayer". I was attending church habitually. Although I attended church, I was not eager to hear God's word, and it was difficult for me to hear the sermon due to my baby. Nothing pierced my mind even though I read the Bible. In October '92, I bore the third baby. Then, I abruptly had a stomachache and I was carried on my husband's back to the hospital. I was notified from a doctor that it was 'ectopic pregnancy'. I had an operation and left the hospital after one week. One month later, we moved again. My health was bad, and to make the matter worse, I was thrown into despair. Being in a bad physical condition, the lost baby's memory recalled me, and I became lost. Doubting, 'why do I live?', being in despair and being pessimistic, I began to wander like a girl at puberty. My soul was getting sick and our daily life was being ruined. I suffered from a lingering disease which looked like a fatal disease. My husband worried about me and carried me to hospitals to check an electrocardiogram, thyroidism. But nothing special was found to be cured. I knew well that it was caused from my mind. I didn't feel like moving my body. My husband began to show temper when I became difficult to even deal with daily life. At last we spoke about divorce. I always lay in my bed waiting for my last moment. I never had any intention to turn my back against the church, so I began to attend church again following people who lived in the same building. Of course, I did not expect anything from the church and was never satisfied with it. It was hard for me to hear the sermon because I had to keep an eye on my child who went around here and there. So I had to satisfy myself with attending the service. During that time, the slump visited me once again. Meanwhile, I met Sister Soon Chul Hwang who lived upstairs, and we talked with each other. She said that she heard a pastor's sermon and it was wonderful and scriptual. But she was in trouble because many people said he was a heretic. So she wanted me to hear it together and help her decide her mind. At first I refused because I didn't know anything, but as she requested strongly, I accepted. She called to Ansan First Baptist Church on the spot, and we made an appointment to meet at twelve o'clock. Then, at 11:30 am, on the same day, my child fell downstairs, injuring from forehead to neck. I was so frightened and flustered that I thought I couldn't listen to God's word under the circumstance. So I called to Ansan First Baptist Church to tell them not to come, but they already left. I said to Sister Soon Chul Hwang that I wanted to meet the pastor next time as time permitted. On the way back from delivering my message, Sister Hwang, however, suggested me that it's better to listen to the words at that time, considering the pastor purposely had come to see us. I met the pastor and said, "I can hardly listen to the God's word right now because I am very upset about my child." But the pastor said its Satan's trick to disturb me from hearing the words. And he added, "Why don't you hear for just 20 minutes?" I was so sorry to trouble the pastor for his coming as he even cancelled other Bible study classes. So I decided I would listen. After I decided to listen, I felt at ease. We went to a sister's house together to have lunch. The pastor, however, suggested having lunch is not important, and he opened the Bible and started to deliver God's word. I knew well that Adam committed sin, but I didn't know at all till then that Adam's sin made all human-beings born sinners. I was a church-goer for a long time, but I was ignorant of the Bible. The words of the Bible which I heard at that time were totally new to me. When I realized the secret of the Lord's crucifixion on the cross, I was deeply impressed. Especially, in Hebrews, chapter 10:17-18, "Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more. Now where there is remission of these, there is no longer an offering for sin." From the words above, I deeply realized the fact that nothing remains for me to do by myself. The questions I had before were solved by hearing God's words, so there was not anything to ask. Many people said to me that church was heretic, but I thought, "Even though I was unaware of the Bible, it will be cleared when I hear God's words." With that thought, I began to listen. No one and no thought could disturb me before the truth. On that night, I was awakened during my sleeping, but the words of God I heard during the day remained lively in my mind. In the morning, when I read the Bible, I experienced each phrase of the Bible as it touched my heart. It was really wonderful. Before, I just read the characters in the Bible, but now it was interesting for me to read the Bible because I could realize the meaning. All my wandering disappeared after I found my root, where I came from and where I will go. In fact, when I recalled my life, I was dead. But God brought life back into me. The gospel was engraved in my heart, and as a born-again Christian, I can be called a sister. I sincerely appreciate everything. Three days after I was saved, my husband was saved also upon hearing the gospel. It seems like a dream that my husband and I were saved and are able to began a happy new life.

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